What Should I Look For in Someone to Date?

As a 20 year old guy, dating is definitely a major aspect of my life, and it’s a big concern of those around me. Thinking through who you should date, or whether you ought to date a certain person, is one of the biggest and most common dilemmas of people in their teens and twenties. As such, I’m consistently thinking through and about what to look for in a girlfriend or boyfriend as I try to both counsel friends and find a future wife myself.

Outside of following Christ, the person you marry will be the single biggest decision of your life. Now of course, not everyone gets married, but as a general rule, if you desire to be married, you’ll more than likely end up married. And this person is someone you’re going to be with for the rest of your life. At some point in that marriage, you’ll either be saying, “marrying this person has been the greatest decision of my life,” or “wow, this was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.” No pressure.

With the stakes being this high, it’s really surprising how many genuine, solid, Jesus-loving Christians end up settling in this area of life. “She loves God, most of the time.” “Well, he goes to church usually and he said he’ll study the Bible with me.” “Even though she parties a lot, she really does love Jesus.” And young Christians with endless potential for the Lord trade it all away for a person they’ve convinced themselves is better than they actually are or that they’ll change “one day.”

Before getting infatuated with a person to even make a wise decision, ask the people in your life who know you and who know them what they think of this person. And give them permission to be honest, and when they are, take their input seriously. As you do, look objectively for yourself at these key things.

1. Friends. Everyone is on their best behavior around the person they have a crush on, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It can serve to elevate you to greater levels in your faith, as long as the motivation is glorifying God, not impressing a cute guy or girl. However, it’s easy to be so mislead by the person they act like around you that you never the person they actually are. But, if you look at their friends, and you’ll see who they truly are. We naturally spend the majority of our time with those who are like us. Show me someone’s friends, and you’ll see who they really are today, and who they’re becoming. If you like the character of and trajectory of their friends’ lives, you’ll probably like theirs. But, if they’re not quite the type of person you’d like to be with, be cautious of the person you’re thinking about dating. Like 1 Corinthians 16:33 says, “Don’t be fooled: bad company corrupts good character.”
2. Reputation. Even though reputation can be misleading, if everyone has the same general idea of someone, the consensus is probably true. Look for someone known for their passion for God and His Word, love for others, the heart of a servant, and desire to grow. If they’re known primarily by other things, even if they’re not objectively bad things (ie that they’re funny, smart, attractive, a great athlete, etc) that’s a pretty significant warning sign.
3. Who They Are Now. It’s incredibly easy to see the potential in someone, and be blinded to who they are today by who they could be later. Girls are especially prone to this. But the reality is, you can’t date someone as they will be tomorrow. You can’t fast forward from 18 to 28 and see if your idea of who they could be will come true. What you can do is see who they are today, see if they’re growing, and if they desire to be more godly in the future than they are now. We’re not looking for perfection, but she should be making progress. He doesn’t have to know complex theology, but he should desire to know God. They’re not going to be sinless, but they should be sinning less.

The reality is this: compromising in this area is compromising your calling. If you end up dating and marrying someone who doesn’t deeply love Jesus, all the passion and energy the Lord has given you for the calling He created you for will be totally poured out on that person, and you’ll be forced to leave your calling behind. To settle on your spouse is to settle on your purpose!

As you faithfully walk with Jesus as a single, don’t obsess over this area. I know I’ve been guilty of this in the past. But, treat it with the right level of weightiness, because it is important. Don’t sell yourself short: Jesus died on the Cross for you, bearing your sins and your shame; you’re clearly not worthless. And the Holy Spirit dwelling within you by faith is your worth. Sons and daughters of the King of Kings don’t marry just anybody; they marry excellence.

Look head-on at the someone’s friends, their reputation, and their current character, and be wise and honest about what you see. Above all, though, seek the Lord. The best part about these sorts of decisions is that they are weighty, and since they are, they ought to send us straight to our loving, all-wise Father, who has a good plan for our lives. More than wisdom, which is immensely valuable, ask the Lord what He desires in your situation. Sometimes, He’ll give you very clear, specific guidance for your context. And other times He’ll lovingly allow you to make the decision based on the wisdom you’ve been given. And it’s my hope and prayer that when you do, you’ll be more equipped with these categories than you were before.